Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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