literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
