I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
