Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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