We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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