I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
