Did I show you my penis last night?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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