Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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