i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
