Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
