There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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