i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
