made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
