If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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