did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
