OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I want a musical about memes.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
