i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize