remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
