make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize