I'm going to jail i love you
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize