he wants to bone in the snuggie
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
