i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize