Duck Duck Cougar?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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