i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm passing your future prison.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
