i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
