I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
