just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
