The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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