Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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