Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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