Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I could fuck to npr.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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