allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
