we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
