Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
