i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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