I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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