Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
