dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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