My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
