Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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