hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
