I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I intend to get homeless drunk
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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