There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
