So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
