goodnight i made you a song goodbye
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
