Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
