for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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