Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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