Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
