i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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