Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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