I wish I only lived at night.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
