Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
