you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
