im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and she was petting her beer can
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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