After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
