it was like his penis was on wheels.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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